8.8.2024:
In the previous part of The Art of Letting Go: How to Release Certain People When The Time Comes – Part 1, I gave you my view on why is sometimes difficult to let certain people go out of our lives even though there might be a time to do so.
I expressed my opinion that every change, every step out of our comfort zone is scary and our fear of the change sometimes represents itself as our need to hold on to physical objects or relationships that hold us back in the safety of our comfort zone but on the other hand prevent us from evolving. Therefore, sometimes is important to let certain objects and people go to create a new space for new objects, new experiences, and new people.
I highlighted that a decision about letting someone go out of our lives is very personal and we shouldn´t let anyone tell us who we should let go.
I described why it is at times of dramatic life changes, such as getting rid of bad habits or addictions, such as alcohol, smoking, or drugs when letting certain people go becomes MUST!
I suggested how to deal with people who out of fear and love try to discourage us from achieving our goals and dreams. By setting boundaries.
I also tried to draw your attention to the danger of assumptions in relationships in general, and how to overcome them through communication, and pointed out that letting someone go out of our life for good should be the very last result!
In the end, I tried to bring clarity in distinguishing between toxic people and negative people, and which of them we should let go out of our lives.
Today I would like to continue with this deep topic about which I could write a book to reach all its depths.
People Under The Influence Of Toxic People
Gas Mask by Jesse Bridgewater from Pixabay
You might be aware of the fact that when someone is affected by alcoholism, drug addiction, smoking etc. it is not just the person who possesses those addictions who is affected by them but also the people in the person’s proximity.
It is not easy to see someone you love destroying their life with such terrible habits.
For some people, their relationship might become as addictive as addictive substances.
You might know someone who has lived for years in an abusive, toxic relationship with
a negative, cruel, and controlling partner. Those people might say for years that they want to leave their partners but there are children, they have promised to change, to finally go for that holiday, to make more time for the children etc.
Evidently, for these people, their toxic relationships have become a habit, an addiction on its own. Because they have been processed by their abusive partners so long that they don´t have any more inner power they are not able to make a change of their own will and leave their partners. Sadly, toxic relationships become for these people their comfort zone that they are not able to leave.
Let´s not judge them! They are not weak, or stupid! They are just very broken.
But relationships with these people could affect our own lives negatively.
Sadly, my younger sister has lived with an aggressive, abusive, controlling, negative, and toxic partner for over twenty years.
Their relationship had over those years many times a negative impact not just on her family, but also on her friends and her children that are often used as leverage for negotiations, or more likely blackmailing.
My sister had over the years several attempts to leave her partner. Attempts during which her family and friends always enthusiastically helped her even though she always returned to him.
The last of my sister´s attempts to leave her partner happened approximately one and a half years ago and this time it was more dramatic than ever before. There was even the police involved etc.
As usual, all family and her friends were helping her and this time it looked like she was leaving her partner for good. My father even started a refurbishment of our grandad´s flat, so she would have a place to go with her kids.
But before you knew it, my sister stopped slowly communicating, however, our communication at that time was very frequent and after a while when I was wondering what was going on my mum informed me that my sister had returned to her partner. But this time he made sure that she would be no more under the influence of people who would endanger his control over my sister. Quite clearly, those were those people who were helping my sister to leave her partner, or in his eyes plotting against him. As a consequence, my sister has ended up in worse isolation than ever without even realising it.
First, I was upset, I was frustrated, about how she could be again so stupid until my wife explained to me how the dynamic of abusive relationships works.
Even though my sister´s relationship with her toxic partner has become an addiction she doesn´t have yet enough inner strength to leave behind, it doesn´t change the fact that her behaviour negatively affects those with whom she is involved in relationships, such we are, her family.
It is up to us how much we want to be involved and impacted by her addiction. As I mentioned earlier it´s up to us to set boundaries with these people.
We don´t need to get necessarily rid of these people. After all, I am sure that people like my sister are not bad. They are just broken and sick. They need our understanding rather than rejection.
But it is up to us how much we let their messy lives negatively affect ours. It´s up to us to set boundaries.
For my sister I let all communication channels open however I don´t seek contact with her. In my opinion, you cannot change people as long as they consider they need to change themselves. One cannot help people as long as they will come to ask for help themselves. But life needs to go on, so let things unfold as they always will.
Letting Go Of People That Are No More With Us
A Little Angel by katerinavulcova from Pixabay
At the beginning of this article, I told you about our friend, who will soon leave us and go after her new experience in the USA.
I have a lot in common with her. We are both from post-communistic countries, and we both weren´t happy with the development in our countries, in our societies, so we decided to try our luck abroad, and last but not least our relationship with our fathers has been quite complicated.
I believe that life always sends us a person or an event that is supposed to set us in a mirror when we should realise something about ourselves, learn something etc.
Our friend and I were on a very similar page in a matter of our relationship with our fathers when mine stopped communicating with me during the pandemic of COVID 19.
There was only one big difference. Our friend had never got a chance to tell her father personally what she felt towards him because just before she met him back in the country of her origin he passed away.
Her experience shook me deeply, motivated me to renew my relationship with my father, and made me think before I let someone go completely out of my life next time.
Sadly, sometimes we realise quite late that no argument, no disagreement is worth the risk that we might not have a chance to talk to a friend or family member ever again and we might regret it for the rest of our lives.
Life is too short and fragile to risk that we might live for the rest of our lives with regrets, with a sense that there is something unfinished or untold between you and your loved ones.
It also happened to me at the beginning of my experience abroad when I left one of my good friends after I considered that our ways of living were going in different directions.
Also, we renewed our contract after many long months of silence and planned to meet again during my next trip back home, we never got a chance because a few weeks before I returned home, he died in a motorcycle accident. I never got a chance to talk to him again.
We are human beings and as a such we make mistakes, so if you have experience as I have, don´t curse yourself for that. The only way out of that is to be kind to yourself.
When we get over the natural stages of grief, we can use different techniques that might help us to let go of people who are no more with us, and we cannot talk to them anymore.
Do you remember, dear reader, that at the beginning of my article, I mentioned that in my opinion one of the main sources of suffering for all human beings is not willingness to accept things as they are and need of control?
When we lose someone and doesn´t matter if the cause is death or break up with the person, we usually experience five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
First, we are in such a shock that we refuse to believe that such a thing even happened to us. Our emotional brain is so overloaded that shuts down and our logical brain tries to convince us that it cannot be true and why it cannot be true.
Then we might feel irrational emotions such as anger with people who left us. For example, I was thinking how my friend could be so stupid that he rode his motorbike so dangerously that he got into a collision with a car that he tried to overcome.
Then we start trying to get things back under control and try to bargain to get those people back. We are begging God, the Universe, and sometimes even the people themselves if they are still alive to get things back to normal, so we can feel safe again within our comfort zone and get everything back under control.
After I broke up with my girlfriend after eight long years because our relationship came to a deadlock, I eventually started to believe that we might get together again also it was me who initiated the breakup. That much we can sometimes get uncomfortable with changes that stepping out of our comfort zone means.
Towards the end of grief, we are so overwhelmed with all sorts of opposing emotions that we can fall into a depression.
The speed of every stage is different for everyone and depends on how fast we are willing to accept the new circumstances in our lives, but acceptance is an inevitable ending part of the journey.
It is in the moment when we accept the new circumstances of a change when we can finally let the painful experience go and live in peace our life knowing that we will be all right even after the change.
But how to let go of someone who is no more with us, or doesn´t talk to us anymore?
As I mentioned above there are a few techniques that you can use. For me worked realisation that might seem like an old boring cliché but it´s true wisdom. Everyone we ever meet in our life even for a very short time somehow affects us and leaves an unerasable mark that becomes a part of us and lives with us. That way the people who left us become part of us and live with us even though they are no more with us physically.
This sort of realisation helped me after my breakup with my girlfriend when I felt for a long time that there was a deep hall inside me after she was finally gone.
Another technique is a so-called emotional letter that might help you to let people go. I have learned this technique from one of my self-developing courses.
The goal of the letter is to get over the overwhelming emotions that are connected with a sense of loss.
You address the letter to the person you want to let go even though the person is already dead. The letter is here to serve you.
Start the letter with strong emotions, such as anger and resentment. Do you remember that the second stage of grief is anger? Therefore, start there.
“I am angry that…”, “I can´t stand that…”, “I don´t like it when…” etc.
Continue with an explanation of why you feel hurt.
“It hurt me when…”, “I feel hurt that…”, “I feel disappointed about…” etc.
In the next step explain what you are worried about.
“I was afraid that…”, “I feel scared when…”, “I am afraid that…” etc.
In the next part of the letter is important to smoothly cease the intensity of your negative emotions towards the person.
“I am sorry that…”, “Please forgive me for…”, “I am sorry for…” etc.
If there are some unfinished issues, untold thoughts, needs, desires etc. then express them in the next part of the letter.
“All I ever wanted…”, “I want you to…”, “I want(ed)…” etc.
The most important part is to finish the letter with love, compassion, forgiveness and appreciation because they are important parts of letting go, of acceptance of your new situation, of new circumstances.
“I understand…”, ” I appreciate…”, “I love you because…”, “I forgive you for…”, “I forgive myself for…”, “I thank you for…” etc.
Another important fact about the emotional letter is this: you don´t need to send the letter to make it work. Of course, if the person to who you addressed the letter passed away then it is not even possible but as I have said you might address the letter also to a living person. I wrote an emotional letter to my father when he stopped communicating with me, and I sent it to him. But you don´t need to send your emotional letter to make it work!
The emotional letter is more about you and your journey of letting go. It is here to serve you and help you overcome your overwhelming emotions after a loss and to get comfortable in new circumstances where the person is no more with us.
But as I have mentioned earlier, I believe that there are more techniques and suggestions on how to let go of people who are no more with us. In the end, if nothing that is commonly available works for you, I suggest giving your trust to a professional therapist because untreated grief can affect our lives negatively for years.
We need a sense of closing to let go and finally move on with our lives.
Natural Process Rather Than Enforced
Balloons by sharodej from Pixabay
I believe that the topic of letting people go is so broad that we might find dozens and dozens of books, courses, strategies etc that could help us in these circumstances, but they are not and cannot be fitted all to one post that has already overgrown my intended length.
In the end, I would like to say that based on my life experience the process of letting people go out of our lives should be a rather natural process rather than an enforced process.
Life is a journey, and, on that journey, we naturally meet a lot of people. Some people just come and go, some people stay for a specific period, and some people remain with us for our entire lives.
It is a very well-known fact that humans are social creatures and need contact with others, however, I would add that it is not about quantity but about quality of our contacts.
So, when a time comes and you start to feel that a relationship with a certain person doesn´t work anymore as it used to if you tried every possible attempt to contact the person, clear the air, resolve all issues, and it still doesn´t work as it should then get ready because life is sending you signals that there is a change coming towards you but it is all right. Change is an important part of life, and that change might be a need to let the person go.
We don´t need to be dramatic with the process. We don´t need to burn all connections at once or destroy all physical objects that remain us the person etc, but we should be certainly ready for a change.
Do you remember I mentioned earlier about my break-up with my girlfriend with who I was around eight years?
I don´t want to say that our departure was painful but, in the end, it was a very smooth natural process.
We tried to keep a distant relationship first after she moved out from me, but after one year I realized that it wouldn´t get us anywhere and decided to move on. But we still stayed in touch, we used to call each other, and we remained friends.
After a while, our phone calls turned into emails that were less and less frequent until one day we never wrote to each other again.
Sad! Sure! But it was the most natural process of letting each other go and slowly getting used to our new life circumstances where the path of the other person departed forever, where on the other hand a part of the other person will be a forever inseparable part of our personalities, of our souls.
We are all different. We are all on different paths in our journey through life, and that´s OK. As long as we are willing to accept that we are all different and that we might have different opinions and different approaches we can walk next to each other.
But it is also OK that sometimes our journey departs, sometimes temporarily, sometimes forever. But no matter what it is important to remember that there is no point in holding anyone in a relationship by force. It causes more harm on both sides. Therefore, sometimes is important to just let go. The last thing that you need in your life is an ambivalent relationship which just brings a lot of disturbance because you don´t know where you are with the person.
Conclusion
In the second part broad topics such as letting someone go, I brought you my insight into how for some people their toxic relationships might become as addictive and harmful as addictive substances, and how it can negatively affect other people in their lives.
I suggested how to deal with these people by setting boundaries because no matter how much we love them their toxic relationships affect negatively our own lives.
I introduced a few techniques on how to let go of people who are no more with us either because they passed away, or our life paths departed for whatever reason, so our lives might be interrupted by lack of closure with these people.
In the end, I expressed my opinion that the process of letting people go out of our lives should be rather natural rather than enforced.
At the very end of this exhausting article, I would like to highlight that I don´t consider this topic to be nearly finished. Not at all.
I think that each of us could bring a personal experience about letting people go, so in the end, we might write books about this topic.
That brings me to a request towards you, my dear readers.
Do you have any personal experience with letting someone go and techniques that worked for you and that you would be willing to share? If this is the case, please feel free to contact me at info@tomcatscommentaries.com or via my contact form.
Thank you greatly.
George
Feature Image of A Child With A Kite by Anja from Pixabay.