11.6.2024:
At the end of last year, my wife Nicole drew my attention to a documentary with the inspirational speech by Brené Brown: the Call to Courage on NETFLIX.
I had never heard about this woman before but because my wife and I always try to inspire each other to become better people in all possible areas I decided to try.
It was quite a small repayment for an intense online Tony Robbins seminar that we attended in March 2023. Or my shared enthusiasm and wisdom that she had to listen to, which I gained from another self-developing course I attended on several occasions since 2021. Or other wisdom that I have gotten through reading all sorts of books, inspirational videos, therapies, etc. For all that wisdom that I very often wanted to share with her, she started to call me lama which is either a Buddhist monk or her sort of joke addressing the fact that one of the courses I attended is in short LMA.
The end of the year is also an important time for most of us as I believe when we reflect on our achievements, mistakes, failures, future goals, etc. Therefore, I was more than happy to watch and listen to another mentor of our modern time.
I observed 76 minutes of Brené Brown´s speech. I remember that I was even crying at some specific moments of the documentary.
But, you perhaps know how it is, dear reader? No matter our intentions to improve our lives, it is quite difficult to apply all that wisdom in reality when life gets busy.
Long story short, after the New Year our lives became quite busy and challenging and I was too carried away with my personal and business stuff, so any knowledge about Brené Brown has just sank into oblivion of my memory.
When things calmed and slowed down a bit for just a brief moment I started to reflect on my life once again. Especially, the way how I am making my living. Once again I felt stuck. I didn´t know what to do. I didn´t know which direction to go.
I was almost on the edge of the decision to attend one of the self-developing courses that have helped me before to break free from the vicious circle when I realized that I didn´t have the resources to attend any of these courses. My self-employment just went through quite a difficult time and I had to be focused on building myself up again financially.
Then I realized that I don´t need to invest a huge amount of money, time, and energy to watch an online mentor give me general knowledge that is undoubtedly useful but tailored for a big mass of people who can take from the course what they need at the specific moment. I needed knowledge that was useful for me at that specific moment. And, the knowledge is all around us. Virtually. We just need to know where to find it.
So, I just went on the internet and started searching for books about the purpose in life, entrepreneurship, careers, personal development, etc. I even added to my list the book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown because at that moment her name rang a bell.
Also, I added the book to my list together with dozens of others, it lay there for quite sometime before my mind became too itchy and I had to read it, or more likely listen to it because I downloaded the book as an audiobook. And, I must say that I don´t regret that I have dared greatly and that this quote has become a daily part of my and my wife´s life.
It´s All About a Willingness to Be Vulnerable
At the beginning of the book, the author explains that vulnerability, or more likely a willingness to be vulnerable is human power, courage, and not weakness as many still might think and try to prove to others. It is the courage to take a risk, to try something even though we could fail, we could be laughed at, we could be ridiculed, etc.
Just those few lines have shaken me deeply.
As I have mentioned, I attended several self-developing courses where I learned that there is no life without risk. We cannot avoid risk in life. We cannot even avoid risk by nonaction. When we decide not to act, we risk losing even more and failing anyway.
But, it was probably for the first time that I realized that willingness to take a risk and to be vulnerable are equal.
We Have No Chance To Be Enough
Brené Brown then remarks on a sad fact of our time that our modern society suffers from an epidemic of scarcity.
From the moment when we wake up, we start to complain that we don´t have enough sleep, that we don´t have enough energy, that we are too busy to manage everything because we don´t have enough time, we don´t have enough money, and so on.
Sadly I have realized how truthful this is.
We live in a society that teaches us to look up to celebrities in all different areas of human activities who are pictured as some sort of extraordinary super people without any imperfections with whom we as ordinary mortals cannot compare ourselves. And, that creates even more scarcity.
This world creates a sense that there is no space for imperfection. It takes from us all the courage to try something new, something scary, and risk that we will be not perfect and might even fail. We are constantly confronted with our imperfections. We are not smart enough, we are not strong enough, we are not slim enough, we are not rich enough, etc.
In this world, as the author says, is important more than ever willing to be vulnerable, to risk that we will be laughed at, that we will fail, that we will be rejected, that we will be misunderstood, etc. Without the willingness to be vulnerable, we give up our biggest power to learn, to evolve, to become the best version of ourselves, to even be ourselves.
I must say that the first part hit me hard. Despite my age, despite my education, despite what other people ever told me that I should do, or should not do, can, or cannot do, etc., I have never given up my very often hopeless attempts to be original, to be myself, to find my original path through life. Even this blog that I started a not long time ago is one of my tries to dare greatly.
Control Is Just An Illusion
A willingness to risks is very important otherwise we tend to have everything and very often unfortunately also everyone in our life under control. I can speak for myself. I used to be like that. I tried to have everything planned, and everything under control. But control is just an illusion, and so is perfection.
Can you possibly imagine how many events happen in one single second in the whole world? And, can you possibly imagine that you could have all of that under control? Because some of those events can certainly affect even your life.
There were a lot of people in our history who tried to have everything and everyone under control but we all should know that it usually didn´t end quite well for them at the end.
Shame Is The Biggest Enemy Of Willingness To Risks
Brown considers shame to be the biggest enemy of willingness to risks, to be vulnerable. She even compares the fight with shame to The Defence Against The Dark Arts Magic from a series of books about Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling that I and my wife love very much, so I like this comparison.
Shame or a feeling that we don´t deserve something is one of the oldest human emotions that we experience daily. These emotions can lead to bad career choices, obesity, alcoholism, drug addiction, etc., and they affect women as well as men.
It has a lot in common with a fear that we are not perfect and that we will be not perfect for others, that the image that other people might have about us doesn´t meet other people’s expectations. The fear is also driven by stereotypical views about genders.
Women are constantly scared that they are not thin enough, or pretty enough, that they might not be good mothers, wives, etc.
Men’s fear could be summarized into one short sentence: “Men never cry”.
Men on the one hand constantly hear: “Don´t be a pussy,” or “Man up” etc. Men are simply expected to be tough guys. On the other hand, men are expected to be understanding emotional partners who can support their women, but at the same time supposed to be strong, have authority, make everything right, put everything and everyone into order, and most importantly make a living for their families. Some of those expectations however go against each other.
So, again and again, society forces us to act in certain ways, so we don´t need to feel ashamed that we are different. Society forces us to feel bad if we try to be ourselves.
There Is No Joy Without Vulnerability
The next danger in our possible unwillingness to be vulnerable is the fact that we will be not able to experience any joy in our life.
Brown doesn´t talk about joy as about a permanent state of our mind. We cannot be constantly joyful. It is just another false concept that modern society tries to instil into our minds.
The joy in our life is usually brought by inconspicuous and seemingly trivial brief moments when we feel maximally joyful just for the simple fact that we are alive in a specific moment, in a specific place, with a specific person.
However, when we are not willing to risk, when we try to have everything under control, we shield ourselves to protect ourselves from possible physical or mental harm.
The author then gives an example of a man who was shielding himself by implementing a life philosophy that made him to expect always the worst from life. That way he could not be badly surprised.
But even such a life philosophy could not prepare this man for an event during which his wife suddenly died in a car accident. He realized that he missed countless opportunities to be joyful with his wife as long as she was still alive.
This and similar stories struck me very hard. Even I lived a long time with a similar philosophy when I proudly stated that it is better to always expect a bad outcome because in the opposite case, I can be pleasantly surprised.
Nowadays, I realize that I am happiest when I just lie in our bed having cuddles with our cats and my wife while the rays of the Sun fall on my face, and in similar brief moments. It is not at the moments when I chase my goals and dreams, when I am worried about something when I think that something is scarce in my life, etc.
Three Common Shields Against Vulnerability
Based on Brown´s opinion supported by her long-term research there are three common ways how we shield ourselves from vulnerability and, the necessity of risk.
First is dulling ourselves with addictions, such as alcohol, drugs, overeating, etc. We dull our inner need to achieve big things in our lives and to become the best version of ourselves through these addictions. It is not possible without taking a risk, without being vulnerable.
The second way is perfectionism. Perfectionism is nothing else than our attempt to control our outer world. And, as I have already mentioned control is just an illusion. We cannot control everything in our lives.
The third way people shield themselves from vulnerability is through short, temporary pleasures that bring them a short-term sense of joy but not happiness. These people usually say they try to live their lives to the maximum.
Winners And Losers
Throughout the whole book, the author describes all different sorts of people that she met during her vulnerability research.
Of course, she met a lot of people who weren´t able to accept her game of vulnerability. These people she uses as examples of how dangerous a suppressing of vulnerability can be.
Based on Brown´s experience the biggest refusers of vulnerability are people who divide human society into two groups: winners and losers. Those who are supposed to be predetermined to win since they were born already by their background, and those who have already lost also because of their background.
Based on the mindset of these people winners are taking everything and losers nothing at all. The author discovered quite an interesting fact that this kind of mindset usually poses members of organizations such as the army, police, etc.
There were 7,057 U.S. service members killed during the war conflict in Afghanistan between 11.9.2001 and the end of war operations in 2019. But, 30,177 U.S. service members & veterans committed suicides as a result of the 9/11 wars.
Brown states that the military programs its members as winners. Therefore many men and women couldn´t cope with the trauma they experienced during the 9/11 wars. They never tried to talk to a therapist, to a psychologist, etc. because in that case, they would consider themselves as losers, and not as winners.
Many war veterans also became addicted to alcohol or drugs which hurt their families, friends, and inevitably the whole society.
So, avoiding the necessity to be vulnerable can be and is dangerous.
Oversharing Is Not Vulnerability
The author also points out another shortcoming of our society that many consider as vulnerability, however, it´s just another way how we are shielding ourselves.
It is the oversharing of details from our personal life.
I would say that oversharing of details from our personal lives is quite a common theme at the time of social media.
It causes the exact opposite effect that we expect, at the moment, when we share too many personal details with someone whom we barely know.
We usually open ourselves to a total stranger thinking that it will make us good friends but the person usually withdraws or starts to act coldly towards us.
A friendship is not something that can be built through a few clicks on a social media platform! A friendship needs to be patiently built for a long, long time.
This is how a friendship describes one famous Czech actor, Vlastimil Brodsky (1920-2002): “A friendship cannot be founded as a political party or a society. It cannot be concluded as a contract or entered like a marriage. A friendship can be only born out of tolerance and tact. It comes into existence based on yet unexplored magnetism and mutual attraction. It is conditioned by mutual respect of different opinions and actions.”
Defend Yourselves From Trolls
If we decide to be vulnerable, to find the courage, to risk and try something new, we can be certain that at some point there will be people whom Brown calls trolls who start to criticize our work.
Brown says that these people cannot be unfortunately avoided. Sooner or later they will come. The only way how we can protect ourselves from their attacks is to build our resilience.
Brown, for example, refuses to talk with people who criticize her, and throw dirt on her but never tried anything courageous in their entire life.
I think that it is fair. “Do you want to criticize me? Do you want to judge me? Tell me first what have you tried in your life even though it was very scary. Then we can talk.”
Mind The Gab
“Mind The Gab” refers to a warning from underground stations that warns us about a gap between a platform and a train.
Brown uses this set phrase to point out the double standards of some people or state institutions, etc. that can negatively affect our efforts to be vulnerable.
For instance, she gives as an example politicians who bring laws that apply to normal ordinary people but not to themselves. Or, examples of parents who lecture their children that they should not smoke or drink alcohol, however, they smoke and drink alcohol themselves.
The author also returns to oversharing details from personal life in this chapter. She points out that we should be aware of oversharing even with our children. To expect that our children will not smoke and drink alcohol when we share with them experiences from our wild parties when we were younger could be contra-productive.
Hypocritical could be also for example lecturing our children that they should treat their siblings, and other people in general with respect, while we don´t treat even our partner, wife, husband, etc. with respect.
Be Aware Of Gremlins
Another chapter of Daring Greatly by Brené Brown that resonated with me strongly is the part where the author draws our attention to some individuals or institutions with power that use shame to get better performance, better results, etc. Unfortunately, their effort has usually the exact opposite results.
This twisted mindset is very dangerous, especially for young starting artists. Art is unique for each of us. Art is a specific way to express one´s inner world, to release inner pressure, but also how to approach a specific problem, etc. And, who can say, who can decide what is an art, and what is not? Who can decide who is an artist, and who is not?
Still, there are many people, Brown calls them Gremlins, unfortunately very often with some sort of power that can negatively affect starting artists for the rest of their lives. They are usually representatives of some kind of authority towards a starting artist, such as parents, teachers, employers, etc.
As someone who had to live more than 40 years to find the courage to dare greatly, and finally believe in myself and my talent, I can relate to the above lines.
The problem with Gremlins is that they can damage our confidence for a long, long time, so we very often find ourselves doing something that we hate and that makes us miserable.
So, be aware of gremlins, dear readers!
Parenting And Vulnerability
Last part of her book the author dedicated to parenting.
Brown admits that becoming a parent was the scariest step in her life which needed a lot of courage and willingness to be vulnerable.
She says that the best parenting is when we become the person that we would like our children to become when we give them the best example.
Parenting when we tell our children what they should or should not do doesn´t work, and never will, as well as doesn´t intimidate, ridicule, shame, etc.
Conclusion
So, what about you, dear reader? Are you willing to dare greatly? Is there something that you tried in your life that was very scary and needed a big amount of courage? And, do you even agree with Bron´s philosophy? Or are you more likely to represent the winners and losers theory? Did you ever read a similar interesting self-developing book, or attended a course you would like to share? Please, let me know.
George